Four Down and Twenty to Go!
The first four months are behind us with discovery, surgery, chemo and hair loss; only twenty more months to go! This morning I was thinking about the “Valley of Baca” and thought that we have found our experience to be similar to Israelites. As they travel through a barren land that claimed many victims we, like they, have found “pools of living water” that have allowed us to move “from strength to strength!” (As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion. Ps 84:6-7, ESV)
Toni managed her second chemo even better than the first. It is still a mental and physical adjustment from her previously fast paced preference. Before we discovered “it” Toni had started memorizing Colossians, a book I am preaching through. Chemo has slowed that down significantly, it just is not sticking. I quizzed her on the first word today to get her jump started. Actually I joked with Toni that with her lacking sleep, having a foggy brain and needing to be careful about what she eats … if she starts telling really sick jokes she will know exactly how I live my life! We are up to 6-8 “center laps” at the mall nearly every day.
The hair thing has been interesting. She went to the door without realizing her head was uncovered and took two well dressed young men in dark suits with white shirts and a handful of literature quite by surprise. Toni has even taken her temperature with and without a hair piece because of how cold she can quickly get with out that silver-blonde adorning that was hers previously. It has been fun to watch Toni introduce kids to her new do! Toni did a hat and wig show for our grandkids and also for some of our other little friends. Today our youngest grandson told Nana to put her hat back on, several times!
We heard this week how one of our special little friends put two and two together and got five! When she was told she was going with her mom to visit Toni she was pleasantly surprised. She had been a companion of a woman who would visit her aging mother until she “went away” and of course our young friend did not see her any more. Because she had also been praying at the same time for Toni who was sick and because she had not seen Toni for a while, she concluded that Toni had also "gone away." But being a good four year old theologian, and when told they were going to see Toni, she asked, "Has Toni come back to life?" Mom explained that Toni had been sick and needs to take medicine but that she had not "gone away." She then exclaimed, "Oh, good I enjoy her so much!"
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Journey Update
Ten days into the chemo treatment Toni’s white cell count is holding strong … actually higher than when she started her chemo. Her oncologist was very pleased with how well she tolerated the side effects and her great white cell count. When I told the good news to someone, they mentioned that they and their children had been praying about it. They were elated! I was immediately reminded of the many who have told us that they are praying.
This is prosthesis week! This week the usual thing is to lose the hair. Yesterday, Toni and a friend went to a salon here in Cheyenne that provides free hair pieces. I wondered if this was a business move on their part or something else, but Toni came back with a wonderful story. The owner’s child was diagnosed with cancer and given 3 months to live, nineteen years later she is healthy and was actually in the salon at the time of Toni’s visit. This afternoon we drive to Colorado to get the second prosthesis that will provide symmetry.
Words are important, actually just a word is important. I visited with a friend last week who had walked/ran/sprinted with his child through cancer. After I came home from the time with him, I came into the house and said to Toni, “hope!” Now, we have hope and nuzzle up to Jesus often to smell the sweet fragrance of hope that flows from Him and through His Word, but it was wonderful to hear it from a believer who had learned to place his hope even more fully in the Sovereign Lord God, because of the his own family’s assignment with cancer. Hope in a Person and not a formula! Actually he said little by way of advice, he just said, “hope;” a hope that is anchored to the true Christ of the scriptures; hope that comes from the true God who saves and sanctifies and sustains. It is wonderful to chat with people about their ideas about how to prepare and maintain ourselves through this marathon, but it was special to visit with one who had run the race and won! Won, meaning became more like Christ!
I think we are both somewhat surprised at the emotional and physical energy depleted through the various aspects of Toni’s amazing, often still surreal, journey! The message paraphrase of 1 Peter 1:17 has been an encouragement, “You call out to God for help and he helps — he's a good Father that way… Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.”
This is prosthesis week! This week the usual thing is to lose the hair. Yesterday, Toni and a friend went to a salon here in Cheyenne that provides free hair pieces. I wondered if this was a business move on their part or something else, but Toni came back with a wonderful story. The owner’s child was diagnosed with cancer and given 3 months to live, nineteen years later she is healthy and was actually in the salon at the time of Toni’s visit. This afternoon we drive to Colorado to get the second prosthesis that will provide symmetry.
Words are important, actually just a word is important. I visited with a friend last week who had walked/ran/sprinted with his child through cancer. After I came home from the time with him, I came into the house and said to Toni, “hope!” Now, we have hope and nuzzle up to Jesus often to smell the sweet fragrance of hope that flows from Him and through His Word, but it was wonderful to hear it from a believer who had learned to place his hope even more fully in the Sovereign Lord God, because of the his own family’s assignment with cancer. Hope in a Person and not a formula! Actually he said little by way of advice, he just said, “hope;” a hope that is anchored to the true Christ of the scriptures; hope that comes from the true God who saves and sanctifies and sustains. It is wonderful to chat with people about their ideas about how to prepare and maintain ourselves through this marathon, but it was special to visit with one who had run the race and won! Won, meaning became more like Christ!
I think we are both somewhat surprised at the emotional and physical energy depleted through the various aspects of Toni’s amazing, often still surreal, journey! The message paraphrase of 1 Peter 1:17 has been an encouragement, “You call out to God for help and he helps — he's a good Father that way… Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.”
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Twelve Words of Advice
Originally posted January 8, 2008.
These special friends give us great wisdom and prepare us for our previously unimaginable journey as a family.
1. David: Surrender to the mysteries of God, Psalm 131:1
2. Samuel: Make Choices with Confidence, 1 Samuel 10:6-7
3. Matthew: God knows your hours, Matthew 6:27
4. Paul: Death is not the worse thing, Philippians 1:23-24
5. Elisha: God has a plan for our departure, 2 Kings 13:14
6. Lazarus: Illness might bring greatest glory, John 11:4
7. Peter: Stay God conscious, 1 Peter 1:17
8. Luke: There can only be one number One, Luke 14:26
9. Mary: Servants always obey God’s Word, Luke 1:38
10. Ezekiel: Obey when it seems impossible, Ezekiel 24:15-18
11. Habakkuk: Joy is a choice, Habakkuk 3:17-18
12. Job: At the end of the day worship, Job 1: 20
Listen to the Dad's sermon on this topic.
These special friends give us great wisdom and prepare us for our previously unimaginable journey as a family.
1. David: Surrender to the mysteries of God, Psalm 131:1
2. Samuel: Make Choices with Confidence, 1 Samuel 10:6-7
3. Matthew: God knows your hours, Matthew 6:27
4. Paul: Death is not the worse thing, Philippians 1:23-24
5. Elisha: God has a plan for our departure, 2 Kings 13:14
6. Lazarus: Illness might bring greatest glory, John 11:4
7. Peter: Stay God conscious, 1 Peter 1:17
8. Luke: There can only be one number One, Luke 14:26
9. Mary: Servants always obey God’s Word, Luke 1:38
10. Ezekiel: Obey when it seems impossible, Ezekiel 24:15-18
11. Habakkuk: Joy is a choice, Habakkuk 3:17-18
12. Job: At the end of the day worship, Job 1: 20
Listen to the Dad's sermon on this topic.
New Hair Style
Toni's new hair style ... about 3 inches came off!
1. Her head is now covered with short hair goats! But still very beautiful!
Song 6:5, Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me— A Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. ESV
2. God's is the one who determines hair style!
Matt 5:36, And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. ESV
Originally written January 7, 2008.
First Chemo
Yesterday Toni had her first chemo treatment and is doing fine. Her side effects were “moderate” in that she is fatigued, has a background heartache, feels a “little bubbly” inside and didn’t get much sleep… sounds like a couple of the ladies retreats she use to lead. Toni would say she is doing “fine.”
Thank-you
So many emails, videos, flowers, fruit baskets, movies, cards, meals, books, visits, calls and very helpful words of encouragement and advice! Combined they are in the hundreds! With all that has been happening they have been such a great source of strength!
We are sorry to have to be so general about this thank-you … but many have said, “No thank-you needed”… so we are accepting that grace from you. My sister’s family sent us a “lobster bake” certificate. It has been postponed for a week or so, so when Toni is feeling like sea food sounds fun we will eat it thinking of each of you.
A Few Thoughts
Many are earnestly praying and eagerly wanting to hear how we are all doing … so a few thoughts. First some are wanting to know right off … are we under it or over it after the first chemo… well with Christ praying for us, as well as so many of our friends, Romans 8:37 seems to fit the bill, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” We do live in mystery and are tired and exhausted at times, over whelmed with medical information at times, wonder about co-pays, etc. at times, and hurting deeply for what Toni’s assignment requires of her, often … but we feel “curiously strong” in this as we basically go from one appointment and event to another…handling one thing at a time.
We had a wonderful Christmas with all the kids and grandkids taking great care of Toni. Toni’s side of the family was coming to our house for Christmas day, but the weather (18” of snow in December) keep dropping snow with high winds, so we had our first “Crocker/Braddy” only Christmas. The grandkids were phenomenal as they played together so well and on occasion peaked-in on Nana. Our oldest and only granddaughter, Mika for the first few days after surgery just hovered around Nana. She would curl up in a chair by Toni to be Nana’s little servant. I could see a lot of Toni in Mika as she “mothered” her grandmother.
Thanks to Kearney Berean, where Paul is the Worship Pastor, for allowing us to have some extra time with Paul and Cristine. The weather also helped a little because it snowed and several times the return trips needed to be adjusted. A “Yeh!” for Cristine who finished her Masters from Liberty University in some people thing major. Rachel was given an extended leave of absence were she works at Kansas State, and was here for all of December! She has a year left on her masters in some religious thing major at Emmanuel House Seminary. Jonathan and Janelle live here in Cheyenne and they are always around to help Toni as needed. Jon will finish from the University in Wyoming with his Bachelor in Business stuff. Hey, I would use more precise words but they have educated themselves beyond my vocabulary.
As you would assume we have both shed tears as we have released and accepted this assignment. We have had a few extra tender hugs. As an aside, some having forgotten her surgeries have created their own memorable hugging moments with Toni. Toni claims she has had a “melt down” or two. But when I think of the bizarre “melt downs’ by the so called celebrates of this world or those who I have witnessed because of the “burnt toast” issues of life … her tears are the sweet tears of a godly, trusting, child of God who has things to say that just can’t be said with just words. Her girl friends have really risen to the occasion. (Thanks!) We have, and will grieve off and on, but we grieve in true hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) and with great friends. We can’t think of a better place than Cheyenne Berean to take this amazing journey!
The path has it amusing times like going to the pharmacy to get a prescription for 8 pills but the insurance will only allow us to receive 6 at a time! Or when Toni has spend a hour with a wonderful consultant for “the” prosthesis, only to find out that they don’t work with our insurance carrier. So drive down to talk with our providers at their headquarters we learn that we have to travel down to Fort Collins, CO to have that prescription filled… then there is the story of the cranial prosthesis.
This has been a good time for us as a couple. We have mentioned to each other how glad that we are not going through this with a weak love-bridge. We have not had to try to reconnect because of the cancer or make repairs to the bridge while we are fighting the cancer but can enjoy the unity we have become over 33 years, even with the cancer!
Time Away
Last year, before we found out about Toni’s cancer, Toni and I made contact with her favorite mentor/professor while she was in college. It was a great time of remembrance, but a special person was missing … his wife. Ironically she was called to the Lord after a similar surgery that had called Toni’s dad home this past August.
Dr. G pulled me aside, as we were parting, and spoke to me about all the plans he and his wife had made for when life and ministry slowed down. And with tears, he encouraged me to take that “special trip” that every couple talks about doing but to do it sooner rather than later. We took what Dr. G said seriously and as from the Lord …. then came the news about Toni’s cancer!
Toni and I have been talking about a renewal sabbatical for several years and this last year we began approaching the elders at Cheyenne Berean about it. We had been thinking about the dates of May 1- July 24, 2008 and are inclined to stick with these dates, God willing. We have so desired, by God’s grace and mercy, to set aside quantity and quality of time to focus on our pastoral ministry and our inner beings in the spirit of Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:16, “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.” Our previous thoughts had been to find a place back in Maine, but with the treatments every three weeks we are adjusting to a “Rocky Mountain High” with maybe the possibility of a ten day or so retreat to Maine. At any rate the Lord is in full control of schedules, dates, days, times, health, and finances.
We love and appreciate you concerns and prayers!
Richard and Toni
Colossians 4:12
Thank-you
So many emails, videos, flowers, fruit baskets, movies, cards, meals, books, visits, calls and very helpful words of encouragement and advice! Combined they are in the hundreds! With all that has been happening they have been such a great source of strength!
We are sorry to have to be so general about this thank-you … but many have said, “No thank-you needed”… so we are accepting that grace from you. My sister’s family sent us a “lobster bake” certificate. It has been postponed for a week or so, so when Toni is feeling like sea food sounds fun we will eat it thinking of each of you.
A Few Thoughts
Many are earnestly praying and eagerly wanting to hear how we are all doing … so a few thoughts. First some are wanting to know right off … are we under it or over it after the first chemo… well with Christ praying for us, as well as so many of our friends, Romans 8:37 seems to fit the bill, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” We do live in mystery and are tired and exhausted at times, over whelmed with medical information at times, wonder about co-pays, etc. at times, and hurting deeply for what Toni’s assignment requires of her, often … but we feel “curiously strong” in this as we basically go from one appointment and event to another…handling one thing at a time.
We had a wonderful Christmas with all the kids and grandkids taking great care of Toni. Toni’s side of the family was coming to our house for Christmas day, but the weather (18” of snow in December) keep dropping snow with high winds, so we had our first “Crocker/Braddy” only Christmas. The grandkids were phenomenal as they played together so well and on occasion peaked-in on Nana. Our oldest and only granddaughter, Mika for the first few days after surgery just hovered around Nana. She would curl up in a chair by Toni to be Nana’s little servant. I could see a lot of Toni in Mika as she “mothered” her grandmother.
Thanks to Kearney Berean, where Paul is the Worship Pastor, for allowing us to have some extra time with Paul and Cristine. The weather also helped a little because it snowed and several times the return trips needed to be adjusted. A “Yeh!” for Cristine who finished her Masters from Liberty University in some people thing major. Rachel was given an extended leave of absence were she works at Kansas State, and was here for all of December! She has a year left on her masters in some religious thing major at Emmanuel House Seminary. Jonathan and Janelle live here in Cheyenne and they are always around to help Toni as needed. Jon will finish from the University in Wyoming with his Bachelor in Business stuff. Hey, I would use more precise words but they have educated themselves beyond my vocabulary.
As you would assume we have both shed tears as we have released and accepted this assignment. We have had a few extra tender hugs. As an aside, some having forgotten her surgeries have created their own memorable hugging moments with Toni. Toni claims she has had a “melt down” or two. But when I think of the bizarre “melt downs’ by the so called celebrates of this world or those who I have witnessed because of the “burnt toast” issues of life … her tears are the sweet tears of a godly, trusting, child of God who has things to say that just can’t be said with just words. Her girl friends have really risen to the occasion. (Thanks!) We have, and will grieve off and on, but we grieve in true hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) and with great friends. We can’t think of a better place than Cheyenne Berean to take this amazing journey!
The path has it amusing times like going to the pharmacy to get a prescription for 8 pills but the insurance will only allow us to receive 6 at a time! Or when Toni has spend a hour with a wonderful consultant for “the” prosthesis, only to find out that they don’t work with our insurance carrier. So drive down to talk with our providers at their headquarters we learn that we have to travel down to Fort Collins, CO to have that prescription filled… then there is the story of the cranial prosthesis.
This has been a good time for us as a couple. We have mentioned to each other how glad that we are not going through this with a weak love-bridge. We have not had to try to reconnect because of the cancer or make repairs to the bridge while we are fighting the cancer but can enjoy the unity we have become over 33 years, even with the cancer!
Time Away
Last year, before we found out about Toni’s cancer, Toni and I made contact with her favorite mentor/professor while she was in college. It was a great time of remembrance, but a special person was missing … his wife. Ironically she was called to the Lord after a similar surgery that had called Toni’s dad home this past August.
Dr. G pulled me aside, as we were parting, and spoke to me about all the plans he and his wife had made for when life and ministry slowed down. And with tears, he encouraged me to take that “special trip” that every couple talks about doing but to do it sooner rather than later. We took what Dr. G said seriously and as from the Lord …. then came the news about Toni’s cancer!
Toni and I have been talking about a renewal sabbatical for several years and this last year we began approaching the elders at Cheyenne Berean about it. We had been thinking about the dates of May 1- July 24, 2008 and are inclined to stick with these dates, God willing. We have so desired, by God’s grace and mercy, to set aside quantity and quality of time to focus on our pastoral ministry and our inner beings in the spirit of Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:16, “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.” Our previous thoughts had been to find a place back in Maine, but with the treatments every three weeks we are adjusting to a “Rocky Mountain High” with maybe the possibility of a ten day or so retreat to Maine. At any rate the Lord is in full control of schedules, dates, days, times, health, and finances.
We love and appreciate you concerns and prayers!
Richard and Toni
Colossians 4:12
Cancer Treatment
originally a part of the Jan. 5 update letter.
History
Sep 28, Annual exam not detected
Oct 22, Felt a bump, self-examination
Oct 24, Mammogram
Nov 9, Ultrasound guided biopsy
Nov 13, Report that there is cancer (at Maranatha when the call comes)
Nov 19, MRI
Nov 27, Visit with Dr. Parnell, surgeon
Dec 7, Mastectomy surgery
Dec 8, Hematoma surgery
Dec 10, Home from the hospital
Dec 13, Visit with Dr. Parnell
Dec 17, Visit with Dr. Batizini, oncologist
Dec 18, Visit with Dr. Parnell
Jan 3, Visit with Dr. Parnell, final ok to start treatment
Jan 3. Visit with Dr. Wyatt, plastic surgeon
Jan 4, First chemo, Dr. Batizini
Jan 5, First 24 hour injection
Jan 14, Visit with Dr. Batizini, oncologist, follow up for side effects etc.
Jan 25, Second chemo
Therapy
Four cycles, every three weeks of Adriamycin and Cytoxan, with each infusion being followed by an injection 24 hours later to build white blood cells.
· Jan 4, 25, Feb 15, Mar 7
Four cycles, every three weeks of Taxotere and Herceptin, with each infusion being followed by an injection 24 hours later to build white blood cells.
· Mar 28, Apr 18, May 9, 30
Thirteen Cycles, every three weeks of Herceptin alone
· Jun 20, Jul 11, Aug 1, 22, Sep 12, Oct 3, 24, Nov 14, Dec 5, 26, Jan 16, Feb 6, 27
Reconstruction
About a month after treatment stops, the first of three reconstruction surgeries begin. The first and most major surgery will be about 6 hours and require 3-5 days in the hospital. It will use an abdominal muscle and will require a month for recovery time. The total time will be about five months.
· Apr 1 through Sep 1, 2009
History
Sep 28, Annual exam not detected
Oct 22, Felt a bump, self-examination
Oct 24, Mammogram
Nov 9, Ultrasound guided biopsy
Nov 13, Report that there is cancer (at Maranatha when the call comes)
Nov 19, MRI
Nov 27, Visit with Dr. Parnell, surgeon
Dec 7, Mastectomy surgery
Dec 8, Hematoma surgery
Dec 10, Home from the hospital
Dec 13, Visit with Dr. Parnell
Dec 17, Visit with Dr. Batizini, oncologist
Dec 18, Visit with Dr. Parnell
Jan 3, Visit with Dr. Parnell, final ok to start treatment
Jan 3. Visit with Dr. Wyatt, plastic surgeon
Jan 4, First chemo, Dr. Batizini
Jan 5, First 24 hour injection
Jan 14, Visit with Dr. Batizini, oncologist, follow up for side effects etc.
Jan 25, Second chemo
Therapy
Four cycles, every three weeks of Adriamycin and Cytoxan, with each infusion being followed by an injection 24 hours later to build white blood cells.
· Jan 4, 25, Feb 15, Mar 7
Four cycles, every three weeks of Taxotere and Herceptin, with each infusion being followed by an injection 24 hours later to build white blood cells.
· Mar 28, Apr 18, May 9, 30
Thirteen Cycles, every three weeks of Herceptin alone
· Jun 20, Jul 11, Aug 1, 22, Sep 12, Oct 3, 24, Nov 14, Dec 5, 26, Jan 16, Feb 6, 27
Reconstruction
About a month after treatment stops, the first of three reconstruction surgeries begin. The first and most major surgery will be about 6 hours and require 3-5 days in the hospital. It will use an abdominal muscle and will require a month for recovery time. The total time will be about five months.
· Apr 1 through Sep 1, 2009
Catching Up
Much has happened in the past several months. And I must confess I have been discussing creating this blog for quite awhile, but it has taken some weeks to actually make it happen. The next several posts were composed by my father over the last month. They will give you a better understanding of our life during this "cancer assignment."
Welcome to Crocker Pages
Welcome to Crocker Pages! Join us as we venture through life's journey. Here you will find our descriptions of and reactions to the assignments of life -- from the mundane to the significant. Expect descriptions of birthday parties, musings of thoughtful adults, our own "kids say the darndest things" moments, and the general dialog that happens in our family on a regular basis. (Including our distinct voices and viewpoints.)
Our most recent adventure began in late October when Mom (Toni) was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since then there have been tears and sighs and musings colored by faith and hope and laughter. (Much more on this to come.)
We feel privileged that you would choose to join us on this journey.
Our most recent adventure began in late October when Mom (Toni) was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since then there have been tears and sighs and musings colored by faith and hope and laughter. (Much more on this to come.)
We feel privileged that you would choose to join us on this journey.
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